Ownership
by Kamitra
Summary: Everything starts off as a question. Too bad not everything has an answer, much less a serious one. Follows Naruto's office as Hokage and the retarded crap Naruto and Sasuke, and by proxy, Sakura, get into. Subtly connected to Brotherhood.
1. Amirite?

Author's note: Based off of something I've been working on. I'm thinking about just keeping this for the main storyline, though... Naruto is Hokage by this time. Disclaimers apply. 

**Ownership**

It took about five months before Sasuke decided that something was going on. Still, he wasn't sure if he should ask, given how hard Naruto seemed to be trying to cover it up. In any case, his suspicions were confirmed when Neji merely paused after his report, then plunged into his description of how well the Heir was doing in Hyuuga family politics.

No matter how close Sasuke may be to the Hokage, there were many things that he shouldn't have been able to know.

At first he thought Naruto was being lazy or careless when he first stopped him from leaving the room as people came in to turn in their reports. Then he was just irritated when he laughed off Sasuke's snide remarks about how he should get Naruto a secretary for his birthday.

But now... this was so careless, it seemed almost deliberate. It made Sasuke stop before he asked Naruto about it for a third time.

It was too convenient. By now everyone was so used to Sasuke being around in time to hear all the top-rated mission reports that even though it wasn't regulations, they waived it off as the Hokage's personal rule. After all, it wasn't as if he did it for Sakura as well, so they couldn't exactly claim team favoritism.

Naruto already _had_ an assistant, but somehow, Sasuke always knew more of what was going on than Konohamaru did, even though Sasuke didn't want to know about social events that he avoided like festivals and the Academy classes that Naruto would drop in on as guest speaker. It just didn't make sense.

But there wasn't anything wrong. No famine, plague, or even ninja war in progress. Still, that didn't mean that there wasn't anything going on.

Could he have just not been told, even after all these things that he shouldn't have been able to hear anyway? Sasuke didn't know, but he wasn't sure who he should ask. Sakura? She might not be able to answer him, and if it went as deep as he thought it might, he couldn't ask her without first making sure that no eyes or ears were on them. And that, he knew from experience, wasn't something you did lightly. People thought the worst when they knew there were secrets being kept.

And Naruto had taken pains to ensure that this one stayed unsuspected.

There was only one way to do this.   
Only one sure method to get the answer he was looking for without prying eyes seeing.

He quickly jotted down a message in a special code that Sakura had specially developed for them, based off of Nauro's atrocious spelling and handwriting. It was the only code that Kakashi had never been able to fully understand and Shikamaru had proclaimed too troublesome to ever bother with. The message went something like this: 

Ay ()wz3rz j00, l)ob3.

1!1 

Note: No, I am not fluent in L33t.


	2. Lolololol

Notes: I've wanted to do something like this forever, but while it was originally going to be like the "Nintendogs" thing in the Memoirs section, I decided to just add it to the Ownership category to 1) work more on the plotline of the story (which I doubt will happen in this chapter), and 2) add more stupidity. A lot of you probably won't get these jokes, but we'll see. I probably can't keep the style the same, so I won't even try. The only thing they'll have in common is the humor.

It also occured to me that if any character gets an accent, the top two should be Sasuke and Lee. Sasuke because I'm still trying to figure out where "usuratonkachi" comes from, and Lee, because he'd be British or something. Then a drunken sailor.

edit: added a little more stupidity in the second part.

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**Ownership: Justice for 411**

"I've been meaning to ask you this, but why is it that your desk is so much neater than Tsunade's was?"

Naruto didn't bother to look up from his paperwork. "Oh, no reason. I just found a better way to do these things than her."

Of course, this casual look was ruined by Sakura entering and adding her own version of the statement.

"What he means," she said as she dumped a new stack of paperwork on the desk with a ramen bowl on top, "is that he has another room carrying all the papers. And it's even worse than Tsunade's collection, because she had done only the minimum since announcing her retirement."

"Exactly how much paperwork are we talking about?"

Naruto looked up and grinned. "Oh how about... it's over _nine thousand_!!"

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"She didn't hit me so hard for that..." Naruto whined as he contined to sign papers on the desk.

Now his back, face, _and_ ass hurt... and it wasn't even for the proper reasons! Sakura was a pain in the ass, literally.

(Not that he was gay or anything. No offense to anyone, but he didn't think that he would ever meet the right guy for that.)

Sasuke sipped his tea on the side, stealing some of the _gyouza_ on his plate. "Yes she did. You deserved it." A pause. "Besides, it's not like your body can't handle it."

A flipped finger in his direction.

"Not interested."

"Me neither. And it's 'take it'. I hope my body can take it." Naruto thumped his head on the desk. "Why do I have to do all of this paperwork? It seems like they just get heavier and heavier... like look at this! This is not even an ANBU report and it's like a thousand pages long! Why do they do this to mee... T-T"

Sasuke refused to dignify that with a response, and began to move on to dessert, eating some the green tea _youkan_ on the plate (because it's not that sweet). Naruto continued to rant anyway.

"Why is everything so heavy? Is there some sort of problem with the Earth's gravitational pull or something?"

Sasuke kicked him off the chair, and it and the papers went flying.

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"YOU ATE ALL OF MY LUNCH!! NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"

Sasuke was unflapped by Naruto's ranting and ROFSing. "You had saimin."

Naruto blinked. "The what?"

"Saimin."

"Ramen. I had ramen."

"Whatever. Same thing."

"n00b."

"Lolo-brain. It's not like I even eat that stuff."

"That's why you're a n00b, believe it."

"And you're stupid."

And it degenerated from there. Until...

" JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, BOTH OF YOU!"

And so Sakura kicked them both out of the Hokage's tower.

"So... what do we eat?"

"I ate already."

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"You say you want _yakiniku_ for lunch and then the first thing you eat is _sashimi_ and _taegu_? How is that yakiniku?"

"It's all-you-can-eat! Besides, I'll eat the other stuff too!"

"What about the vegetables?"

"... ＞＿＜"

"That's not an answer."

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"Amaguri?"

"No."

"Dorayaki?"

"Of course not."

"Dango."

"NO."

"Shiruko... wait, no, umm... crepes?"

"No. And that's not even Japanese."

"Wh... uh, what about nishime, then?"

"If there's no sugar added."

"Not even ama-ebi?"

"NARUTO. I _told_ you, I don't like sweet things. Get through your thick head already."

"Okinawan sweet potato?"

"Just shut up and let me eat the green tea mochi."

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Reference-Related Notes and other Pointless Stuff

0. The title is because I just wanted to keep the original title somehow.

1. I've been seeing looking at too much PW:AA stuff recently. Before you ask me what that has to do with THAT quote, just... look around. It's been done at least three times.

2. The second quote I'm not sure if I got correct. I was looking for a script of it, but I found the original, not what the movie actually had.

3. I don't even find this funny, but I thought it would work. For the hell of it, Sasuke'd be from Pearl City.

4. Nothing to do with quotes and everything to do with korean yakiniku. I love korean yakiniku, btw. And anyplace that serves kimchee fried rice. Sasuke probably couldn't handle spicy food, I'm guessing... not that that has to do with anything.

5. More food. Not so much humor, just food. I think Okinawan sweet potato is called satsuma-imo or something (after the place)? I forget... Anyway, the point is that Japanese sweets tend to not be sweet at all, which makes me wonder what Sasuke is referring to when he says he doesn't like sweet stuff. I've had a green tea mochi that wasn't really sweet at all, so I think he would eat that...


	3. Cow Rape

Notes: Rated T for rampant bad language and sexual themes. This chapter talks a lot more about the storyline it covers, despite everything. Also, **the titles have nothing to do with the content of the chapters.** In reality, the title of this chapter is in honor of the latest icon I found for my collection.

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**Ownership: It Smacks of Cow Rape**

Sasuke had many questions on Naruto's methods and content of his administration of Konoha, but it was rare that he would voice them. The reason for this wasn't only because Sasuke was naturally retiring personality, but also because Naruto's answers tended to be incomprehensible at best.

"If the Godaime had only Shizune as her assistant, why do you need three assistants?" was one example.

"What three assistants? I thought I had only counted two," Naruto said as he calmly stamped his seal on several mission documents, leaving them with the chakra signature of approval. It was, by now, the only job that Sasuke could not do for him, because the stamp reflected the wielder's chakra in its seal, proving that such a document truly came from the Hokage him/herself. The trick was that both the stamp and the signatures were actually easy to tamper with. However, what anyone _couldn't_ do was _duplicate_ it.

Signatures were sometimes damaged through transport, requiring it being standard practice to have orders or messages to be resent or wait for some other personal confirmation.

And so, the Hokage's seal was a very important one. It was common enough knowledge that every academy student (and a few civillians) knew that. What wasn't common knowledge, however, was the fact that the seal stamper itself was actually very ordinary. It was said to be have been an heirloom passed down since the Shodaime, but Naruto had confided to Sasuke that it was just a "really pretty _inkan_." Even if he had used the same _inkan_ as when he was a jounin (everyone had their own), it would still show the "hokage" design when he stamped with it. Such was the power of the office of Hokage, but no one needed to know that.

There were literally dozens more secrets embedded within signature seals, but basically, the moral of the story is that everything came down to appearances. Only a fool would assume that everything was as it seemed in a shinobi village (especially given how laid-back they were when they weren't fighting), but one couldn't also discount the simple fact that Konoha was filled with _fucking weirdos_.

And Sasuke had to remind himself that he was dealing with one now. "What about Sakura?"

Naruto didn't even bat an eyelash. "What about her?"

"...You don't need me to tell you that she'll be pissed to hear that you don't consider her an assistant after all the work she's done."

"And I don't need to tell _you_ that if you tell her that, she'll beat _you_ up (before she gets to me), because that's a total lie. I think of her as my own right hand."

"I'll bet, wanker."

"You shut up or I'll tell her you're thinking nasty thoughts about her."

For reasons neither of them quite knew, their teammate was used as a threat so often that it had become a game between them. With the way they did it, they could almost replace Sakura's name with the phrase "your mom." Most of it was meant in purely jest, but some of them were outright tattletale threats.

The problem was that they could only do this when she wasn't listening, or they both knew that those threats would come true and then some. As a result, this was yet another secret they kept to themselves. (Later they really _did_ use 'your mom' to mean 'Sakura' and continue their verbal sparring in front of her, who would look at them like they were batshit crazy, but that's another story.)

"Then what about Konohamaru? He was another jounin that was just minding his own business before you came along."

Konohamaru had had the misfortune to have known Naruto well enough to actually be able to read his handwriting. This was not as simple of a skill as one would think, because anyone else that knew Naruto demanded that he submit his mission reports verbally, and not written. As a result, when Naruto needed someone to help him with his paperwork (that is, someone else to write down what he said when it needed to be ledgible later), Konohmaru was volunteered.

Sakura's case was quite different, as she was already used to henpecking the then Hokage-to-be-in-training, and it was a smooth transition. That is, until they found out that there was so much paperwork that Sakura couldn't take it all on herself. Hence Konohamaru.

Naruto's smile was cheerfully pleasant, if slightly marred by the show of sharp teeth. "He's the other assistant."

And lastly, there was Sasuke. Who really _was_ minding his own business (he had enough problems as it is) until he gradually became Naruto's _primary and most important_ assitant. Sasuke was pretty sure that his glare (not to mention killing aura) was, by now, threatening enough to alert the ANBU (who might or might not care, depending). The Hokage, on the other hand, didn't seem fazed by it as he stood up, leaned over the desk to pull his best friend close by the lapels of his vest. His expression could only be described as _leering_.

"Slave labor. You're my _bitch_, slave."

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"Oho, I see you've may become a man yet. Tell me, who was the ninja that beat you up? Was she pretty?"

Of course Jiraiya knew that it was a ninja. Only a ninja could use chakra well enough to cause a _bitchslap _enough damage to leave face aching for hours. Naruto inwardly cursed Sasuke for the thousandth time. Didn't he know that there were already _tons _of rumors surrounding them and their non-existant relationship?

Of course he did -- that was why he did it! Fucking bastard.

And it wasn't like Sasuke had girly hands, either. (Which made him grateful to the fact that Jiraiya ignored such hints. This wouldn't save him for when _everyone else_ saw him, however.)

"Yeah yeah yeah. _She_ was a knockout, but also a total bitch. What do you want, ero-sennin?"

Next time he saw Sasuke, he would pay him back for that. Oh yes he would.

On the _ass_.

--------------------------------------------

Sakura laughed _her_ ass off at both of them when they went out to dinner that night.


	4. Fangirlism

Notes: Okay, this chapter has little to do with anything and just more to do with me messing around than anything else. I also have been thinking about putting a disclaimer, but no, that would require too much work. This is for my own personal amusement, obviously.

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**Ownership: The Fangirl Speaks**

Despite what many people thought of Sakura, she was not an OTP shipper, let alone a yaoi one. There was a reason why she supervised the Hokage and Konoha's top jounin, and it wasn't because she thought they should hit the sack together. Given how long and hard it took before Team 7 was able to banter like they did today, Sakura wasn't about to mess it up by presuming that she knew her teammates' hearts.

Sure, she'd like to set them up with a few girls (and maybe guys too, if they were hot enough), but she knew Sasuke was too touchy about people to want to pursue a relationship at all, and Naruto seemed to show no interest in anyone at all. In Naruto's case, Sakura suspected that there was a lot more too it than that, but that would be getting ahead of herself. Sasuke, on the other hand, cared more about living his life again than seeking another's.

And really, there were many reasons to lock those two up in a room together whenever they (Sasuke) were feeling prickly or (Naruto) uneasy. Naruto was the first person that Sasuke learned to really extend his trust to, and Sasuke was perhaps Naruto's greatest reassurance of the future.

Not to mention that hearing them argue like little kids was sometimes rather amusing.

She had many suspicions as to why Naruto needed such reassurance. Really, she had many suspicions of the Hokage even before he took office, and she was sure both Sasuke and Konohamaru had their own. Sakura thought she knew why, but it wasn't her place to push the issue.

She could wait.

Still, they all knew that there were rumors of the two. Sasuke ignored them (unless they were useful to get back at the Hokage for whatever he did to make his life miserable that day), Sakura just grinned and bore it, Konohamaru staunchly denied them (he was there all the time and _he_ didn't see anything suspicious), and Naruto... well, it all seemed like water rolling off his back. Completely unaffected.

She knew that was how Naruto wanted it -- ambiguous. How she knew that, she didn't quite know. It was one of those things that Team 7 had apparently kept to themselves, because she was frankly shocked to find out that the Fifth didn't even know -- Tsunade had simply figured that it was none of her business (and those two had caused her enough headaches while she was in office to _not_ want to know).

Kakashi seemed to know as well, but like all things Kakashi, he was tight-lipped about it.

Konohamaru must have spoken to Naruto about the whole thing before, because while he asked tons of questions sometimes, it wasn't about _that_. Of course, by the way he spoke, it was obvious that he didn't know but believed that there was nothing going on. He just didn't seem to question it... which was kind of like Konohamaru, in a way. He didn't seem to question very much of what Naruto did, ever.

In any case, that was why when she heard a conversation like the one she currently was hearing, she really didn't think anything of it. Just the usual bantering with the words hard, ass, tight, owning, size, and...

...Okay, they might possibly somehow be in denial, but there really wasn't anything going on.

Really.

As hard as it is to believe, it was true.

Why _did_ they use those words all the time? It _had_ to be their own private joke.

Stupid boys.

"Shut _up_ about the sexual innuendo and just beat each other up already! And no ninjutsu this time, or I'm going to beat _you__two _up!" She punched the wall beside the door for good measure, and there was a bit of murmuring and then blessed silence.

And so began her semi-weekly coffee break, which she spent reading Ino's latest work.


End file.
